Love Thy Neighbor

How hard can it be to get along?

I ask myself that after a flurry of incidents in my small condo community. With just 17 units and many long-time residents, we interact like a dysfunctional family caught up in the little irritations of living in close quarters.

A basketball game in the driveway garners complaints as does a barking dog, an open garage door and unapproved flower planting. A neighbor is sent an eviction notice for placing a glider on a common area beside his home.

Overreacting? I'd say so!

Whatever happened to talking through our differences? Why do we let the small stuff become larger than life? How did we become so polarized?

We are not alone in our inability to coexist. When I searched Google, I found 3.3 million results for "bad neighbors." There are sites for reporting poor behavior, video testimonials by the affronted, and plenty of tips for learning to live in harmony.

Why is it so tough to be civil to each other? Whatever happened to "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"?

My mother once had a neighbor who obsessed over the leaves that fell from her trees every autumn and blew into his yard. His solution was to ask my mom to cut down the trees!

One of my friends has a neighbor who uses the police as his conflict manager. He is unwilling, or unable, to resolve conflicts on his own.

Are we just unhappy as a society? Are we so wrapped up in the fast pace of our lives that we've forgotten how to be nice?

The next time my neighbor does something truly annoying, I intend to smile and follow the sage advice that was once given to me:

Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.

Is your bucket full or empty?

I just finished a book -- “How Full is Your Bucket?” -- written by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton, both students of positive psychology. That’s the scientific study of what happens when things go right in life rather than what happens when things go wrong.

The authors use the metaphor of a bucket and dipper to describe the choices we make every day that affect our outlook on life. This is how they explain it:

“Each of us has an invisible bucket. It is constantly emptied or filled, depending on what others say or do to us. When our bucket is full, we feel great. When it’s empty we feel awful.

“Each of us also has an invisible dipper to fill other people’s buckets; by saying or doing things to increase their positive emotions, we also fill our own bucket. But when we use that dipper to dip from others’ buckets, by saying or doing things that decrease their positive emotions, we diminish ourselves.”

We can either choose to fill others’ buckets or dip from them. 

Take a critical look at yourself to see how you most often interact with others. Then take a closer look at the people you surround yourself with on a regular basis. Do they fill or dip from your bucket?

When I look at my own circle of friends, I’m thankful that most are “bucket fillers.” But one couple that comes to mind is not. Whenever I’m with them I see the emotional damage they inflict on each other and the negativity it creates for those around them.

It’s so easy to get caught up in a death spiral of negativity and so hard to stop once you begin down that road.

Barbara  Fredrickson, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill, has come up with a positivity ratio based on the impact positive emotions have on our daily life. She says that on average, “we all need at least three positive emotions to lift us up for every negative emotion that drags us down.”  

Another happiness researcher, Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California-Riverside, says that roughly half our happiness is genetically determined. About 10 percent comes from our life circumstances, and the remaining 40 percent is under our own conscious control.

Artist Henri Matisse said, “There are always flowers for those who want to see them.”

You are the product of your thoughts and actions. Next time you find yourself reaching for the dipper, make sure you’re adding to the bucket and not taking from it. 

Think positive and spread the joy!

Just say “No”

Let me set the record straight. I am NOT superwoman! I cannot do it all, although I keep jamming more and more into my days (and nights). I am not perfect, although I put pressure on myself to be so. I can’t possibly please everyone all of the time, but I keep trying.

I’m over-scheduled and over-stressed. And while it is easier to say “yes,” to the requests that come my way, I need to get better at saying “no.” This is a tough one for a person like me with an innate desire to please, but I’m learning that it’s important to set boundaries, understand my limits, and learn to tactfully say, “Thanks, but not this time.”

The Mayo Clinic has this to say about why it’s okay to say “no”:

• Saying “no” lets you honor your existing obligations and ensure that you’ll be able to devote quality time to them.
• Saying “no” can give you time to pursue other interests ... or simply relax! Just because you’ve always helped plan the company softball tournament doesn’t mean that you have to do it forever. 
• Always saying “yes” isn’t healthy. When you’re overcommitted and under too much stress, you’re more likely to feel run-down and possibly get sick.
• Saying “no” opens the door for others to step up and help. 

Now that you’re ready to say “no,” here are a few tips to consider when turning down requests:

• Be respectful.
• Keep it simple. No long explanation is required.
• Offer an alternative if you have one.
• Be friendly, but stand by your convictions.

In an earlier blog I wrote that it takes at least 21 days to break a bad habit or form a new one. That means you’ll say “no” plenty of times before you feel comfortable doing so. That also means the time to get started is now.

In an effort to practice what I preach, next time I get a request and don’t have the energy or desire to say “yes,” I will try to say “no.” It may take superhuman strength to do this, but I still have a cache of kryptonite to help me stand firm.