If you think you can, you will

While the crowds had thinned when Fauja Singh crossed the finish line of the 2011 Toronto marathon, a large contingent of family and friends was on hand to celebrate his achievement.

Singh smiled and raised his arms in victory as took his final strides. He had completed the 26.2-mile race in just over eight hours.

Singh is 100 years old. 

This was his ninth marathon. He ran his first at 89.  

This is a man who sets seemingly impossible goals for himself and makes them happen. What an inspiration and what a wonderful example of the power of positive thinking!

So often we focus on what we can’t do as opposed to what we can. We convince ourselves that we’re not capable -- we don’t have the time, the money, the skill, the support, the right tools or expertise. 

Sometimes we let others chip away at our confidence. 

We stop believing in ourselves.

Then there are people like Fauja Singh who dream big and live big. They believe in themselves and focus on success. They recognize that high achievement starts with high expectations. 

So much of success in life starts with adopting a winning attitude. This holds true at any age.

I was thinking about that as I opened the newspaper this morning.  Was it serendipity that a headline from the Chicago Tribune caught my attention? It said: “As we age, attitude can make all the difference.” 

According to the article, “Research has shown that how people feel inside, and their expectations of their capabilities, can have a greater impact on health, happiness and even longevity than the date on their birth certificates.”

Pessimism -- about what you can achieve, how you feel, and even how long you live -- becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. The good news is that optimism works the same way. 

So next time you think you can’t, change course and think you can.

More often than not if you think you can, you will.  Just ask Fauja Singh. 

The downside of multi-tasking

“If only there were more hours in every day!” 

How many times have you said that to yourself after an exhausting day of trying to do it all? 

Let’s face it. Life is busy and crossing another “to-do” off our list feels good. Progress comes faster with multi-tasking, so we power through three jobs at once. 

In the process, however, we may be doing ourselves a disservice and sending the wrong signal to those around us. 

Am I really being productive when I answer emails during an important conference call and at the same time inhale a Lean Cuisine at my desk? 

How can I fully participate in the call when my mouth is full and my thoughts are somewhere else? Is that fair to my colleagues?

Am I really being a good friend when Katie comes over to vent and I make her compete for my attention with the latest episode of “Desperate Housewives”? Or when my son wants to talk and I “listen” as I clean the kitchen?

Have you ever been out to dinner with someone who can’t sit through the meal without completing a parallel conversation in text messages to someone else?

It doesn’t feel good, it’s disrespectful and it’s unproductive. Is that the signal you really want to send? 

Not me.

My company is asking all of its employees to take a closer look at how we interact with others both at work and at home. “Be here now” is the new catch phrase we use to encourage each other to be fully present at meetings and in conversation. 

It’s a great reminder that it’s important to acknowledge those around you with your full attention. It says that you care, you’re interested and you want to contribute.

I encourage you to audit your behavior with family, friends and coworkers. Are you “here now” for them? 

I guarantee that if you put down your cell phone, close your laptop and turn the volume down, you’ll see the dynamics change in your relationships.

Let me know how it goes!

Let it go

Why is it that some people would rather stay angry than forgive and forget?

I have a friend who, when he is angry with me, reminds me of my bad behavior eight years ago! He does that with another friend, too -- still judges him based on something that happened a dozen years in the past.

He simply isn’t capable of letting go of his anger -- or chooses not to -- even after all these years. He has allowed resentment to grow deep roots.

By choosing not to forgive, my friend has chosen to dwell on the past instead of enjoying the present and future. Unfortunately, he is not alone.

According to a nationwide Gallup poll, 94 percent of those surveyed said it was important to forgive, but only 48 percent said they practice what they preach. That, despite the fact that almost every world religion teaches forgiveness -- from Judaism to Christianity to Islam, Buddhism and Hinduism.

Hawaiians have a word for it -- ho’oponopono. It means “to put right.” This ancient practice of reconciliation is based on the theory that a person’s errors cause illness and the fastest path to recovery is confession and apology.

That theory holds water in modern times, too. According to the Mayo Clinic, “If you don’t practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly” in the form of stress, depression, high blood pressure, lost relationships and more.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spirituality and psychological well being
• Less stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Those who have studied forgiveness say that it is not only a human quality, it is common behavior among monkeys, apes and other primates.

So if monkeys can forgive than why can’t we?

Why is it so tough to overcome the raw emotions of anger? Why do we choose to relive the hurt? Why is it so hard to move past blame?

It’s your choice to be bitter or better. What will it be?

Love Thy Neighbor

How hard can it be to get along?

I ask myself that after a flurry of incidents in my small condo community. With just 17 units and many long-time residents, we interact like a dysfunctional family caught up in the little irritations of living in close quarters.

A basketball game in the driveway garners complaints as does a barking dog, an open garage door and unapproved flower planting. A neighbor is sent an eviction notice for placing a glider on a common area beside his home.

Overreacting? I'd say so!

Whatever happened to talking through our differences? Why do we let the small stuff become larger than life? How did we become so polarized?

We are not alone in our inability to coexist. When I searched Google, I found 3.3 million results for "bad neighbors." There are sites for reporting poor behavior, video testimonials by the affronted, and plenty of tips for learning to live in harmony.

Why is it so tough to be civil to each other? Whatever happened to "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"?

My mother once had a neighbor who obsessed over the leaves that fell from her trees every autumn and blew into his yard. His solution was to ask my mom to cut down the trees!

One of my friends has a neighbor who uses the police as his conflict manager. He is unwilling, or unable, to resolve conflicts on his own.

Are we just unhappy as a society? Are we so wrapped up in the fast pace of our lives that we've forgotten how to be nice?

The next time my neighbor does something truly annoying, I intend to smile and follow the sage advice that was once given to me:

Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.

Is your bucket full or empty?

I just finished a book -- “How Full is Your Bucket?” -- written by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton, both students of positive psychology. That’s the scientific study of what happens when things go right in life rather than what happens when things go wrong.

The authors use the metaphor of a bucket and dipper to describe the choices we make every day that affect our outlook on life. This is how they explain it:

“Each of us has an invisible bucket. It is constantly emptied or filled, depending on what others say or do to us. When our bucket is full, we feel great. When it’s empty we feel awful.

“Each of us also has an invisible dipper to fill other people’s buckets; by saying or doing things to increase their positive emotions, we also fill our own bucket. But when we use that dipper to dip from others’ buckets, by saying or doing things that decrease their positive emotions, we diminish ourselves.”

We can either choose to fill others’ buckets or dip from them. 

Take a critical look at yourself to see how you most often interact with others. Then take a closer look at the people you surround yourself with on a regular basis. Do they fill or dip from your bucket?

When I look at my own circle of friends, I’m thankful that most are “bucket fillers.” But one couple that comes to mind is not. Whenever I’m with them I see the emotional damage they inflict on each other and the negativity it creates for those around them.

It’s so easy to get caught up in a death spiral of negativity and so hard to stop once you begin down that road.

Barbara  Fredrickson, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill, has come up with a positivity ratio based on the impact positive emotions have on our daily life. She says that on average, “we all need at least three positive emotions to lift us up for every negative emotion that drags us down.”  

Another happiness researcher, Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California-Riverside, says that roughly half our happiness is genetically determined. About 10 percent comes from our life circumstances, and the remaining 40 percent is under our own conscious control.

Artist Henri Matisse said, “There are always flowers for those who want to see them.”

You are the product of your thoughts and actions. Next time you find yourself reaching for the dipper, make sure you’re adding to the bucket and not taking from it. 

Think positive and spread the joy!

Just say “No”

Let me set the record straight. I am NOT superwoman! I cannot do it all, although I keep jamming more and more into my days (and nights). I am not perfect, although I put pressure on myself to be so. I can’t possibly please everyone all of the time, but I keep trying.

I’m over-scheduled and over-stressed. And while it is easier to say “yes,” to the requests that come my way, I need to get better at saying “no.” This is a tough one for a person like me with an innate desire to please, but I’m learning that it’s important to set boundaries, understand my limits, and learn to tactfully say, “Thanks, but not this time.”

The Mayo Clinic has this to say about why it’s okay to say “no”:

• Saying “no” lets you honor your existing obligations and ensure that you’ll be able to devote quality time to them.
• Saying “no” can give you time to pursue other interests ... or simply relax! Just because you’ve always helped plan the company softball tournament doesn’t mean that you have to do it forever. 
• Always saying “yes” isn’t healthy. When you’re overcommitted and under too much stress, you’re more likely to feel run-down and possibly get sick.
• Saying “no” opens the door for others to step up and help. 

Now that you’re ready to say “no,” here are a few tips to consider when turning down requests:

• Be respectful.
• Keep it simple. No long explanation is required.
• Offer an alternative if you have one.
• Be friendly, but stand by your convictions.

In an earlier blog I wrote that it takes at least 21 days to break a bad habit or form a new one. That means you’ll say “no” plenty of times before you feel comfortable doing so. That also means the time to get started is now.

In an effort to practice what I preach, next time I get a request and don’t have the energy or desire to say “yes,” I will try to say “no.” It may take superhuman strength to do this, but I still have a cache of kryptonite to help me stand firm.

I humbly thank you, Mary Phillips

Mary Phillips and I were friends in middle school. I was in eighth grade and she was in seventh. Yet while I was older, she was much wiser. 

She taught me a life lesson that I still live by 40 years later.

Mary was a lively 12-year-old with a level head and a directness about her unusual for a girl her age. She said it as she saw it, which was one of the things I really liked about her. Still, we did our share of giggling and gossiping -- about boys, girlfriends, parents ... you name it.

A typical conversation would go something like this:

“Mom got really mad at me last night,” Mary might say. “She sent me to my room and said I couldn’t come out until I had studied at least an hour for our math test.”

“You think that’s bad,” I might reply, “Dad threatened to ground me if I didn’t study at least two hours for the test!”

If Mary said, “Tom passed a note to me in class today.” I might respond by saying, “Guess what? Jeff kissed me in the back of the library!”

I consistently one-upped her without even knowing it. 

Then one day, Mary reached her breaking point. I no longer remember the circumstances of our conversation, but I have never forgotten the feedback she gave me in a moment of frustration.

“Why can’t you let me tell a better story, just once?” she asked. 

While she didn’t realize it at the time, Mary taught me a life lesson in humility. Her words were a powerful reminder that it’s important to take a back seat at times and let those around you shine.

Writer Rick Warren says, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”

Here are a few helpful steps on how to be humble from Learn This: 

• Thank others
• Redirect praise to those who have helped you
• Don’t try to outdo those around you
• Don’t be first all the time
• Appreciate everything
• Listen more than you speak
• Don’t judge others

While Mary and I lost track of each other when I went to high school, I will always remember her. To this day, when I catch myself stealing center stage, I back off a bit and say a silent thank you to my middle school mentor who unknowingly taught me the importance of humility. 

Thank you, Mary Phillips.